Traveling in Ethiopia is a silly silly beast. Whether you’re
a minibus novice or a veteran, you can never predict what is going to happen.
But after a year, you learn to roll with just about anything. Goat on top of
the van? No problem! Chickens under your feet? Find out where that person lives
and try to get an invite to dinner! Your bus is traveling in the exact
opposite direction you wanted to go? Be patient and see how it plays out!
Now I know you’re surely thinking, “I’m so sad I am never
going to experience traveling in Ethiopia!” In the hope to avoid that thought
weighing on you for years to come, I will attempt to give a picture of the
glory that is Ethiopian public transportation.
This is your average minibus. It’s just like an America
minivan except there are no seat belts, there may be a hole in the floor, and
extra seats are crammed in every possible place.
Seating
Where you sit will determine the emotional toll of that
ride. Pick the wrong seat and it will be the worst hours of your life. Pick the
right seat and it can be downright enjoyable. For the most part, I genuinely
enjoy traveling. Watching the country pass me by as I listen to headphones is
one of my favorite times to reflect on Ethiopia and my service as a whole. I’ve
attempted to color code the seats on a bus: green is a go, yellow is cautious,
and red is, for the love of god, don’t get in that seat. But let’s look a
little closer.
Ethiopian traveling is a cutthroat game and I try to get
seat A2 or B1 at all costs. They are the most spacious, have window access, and
only allow for one person wanting to talk to you. Put on some headphones and
watch the beautiful countryside pass you by.
A1 seems like it would be good too, right? Wrong! All vans
here are manual so your legroom is completely taken up by the shifter. If
you’re a boy with long legs, you are going to be uncomfortable. If you’re a
girl, you are going to get (in what the driver’s mind is probably discreetly)
caressed as the driver changes gear. Also, you are sitting on the engine so your
butt will feel like it is 1,000 degrees five minutes into the drive.
B4 is rough too. If you are in a hurry and the bus is full,
you may mistakenly take this seat and you will hate yourself (and your life) until
mercifully the ride ends or you die in an accident (after an hour, either is
better than another hour). The problem is, you are not actually sitting on a
seat. There is a lip that is about 4 inches where your butt will absolutely not
fit. But it must. For countless hours. You sit with your back against A2
meaning you are facing the wrong direction. As a result, this is a very common
vomiting seat. To top it off, the door guy (DG) is probably going to spend the
entire trip two inches from your face. Standing room is the same principle. I
have seen 6 people stuffed into that little area. Just don’t do it.
Seats B-E1 on the left hand side are pretty safe. Since you
are sitting up against the side of the car, they cannot make you squeeze over.
The veteran move is to give yourself a secret 2 inches of space as they fill up
the bus. Then you have a little wiggle room during the ride. These seats also
may have window access.
B-D3 and E4 can be great or miserable depending on the
legality of your bus. Technically, they are not supposed to put extra people in
the bus. If you are traveling on heavily policed roads, they will keep the
extra people to a minimum. And if there are no standing room people, seat E4
allows for as much legroom as a person could need. If the bus does not care
about the police, you will have someone sitting on your lap. They will add a
person to each row and you will be miserable. The only way to know which case
it is going to be is by reading the driver, door guy, and situation as a whole.
In order to have this ability, it means you have been burned a few times.
B-E2 and E3 will never be good. Ever. There is no airflow in
the center of the car so it gets really hot and sweaty. You may still have someone
sitting on your lap. And there are two people, one on each side, that likely
want to practice their English or try to get your phone number for the duration
of the ride. To be fair, sometimes people met on buses are kind and
interesting- making the ride go by faster. But normally, you don’t want to play
on a hot bus with no end to the ride in sight.
Windows
As mentioned, access to a window is one of the most
important aspects of your trip. There is a common misconception here that wind
makes people sick. Going down a rode at 60kph with the wind hitting your face
is believed to give you pneumonia or TB or something awful. In actuality,
airborne illnesses thrive in a closed environment so people’s misconceptions
directly lead to the thing they are trying to avoid.
But I don’t care about illnesses. I should, but in that
situation they are not my priority. With 20 sweaty people stuffed into a tiny
space, it gets hot and smelly fast. An open window that allows wind to cool
your sweaty face is nothing short of a gift from the travel gods. A2 is the
only seat where you have your own window. Every other seat in the bus leaves you
fighting for that precious air. And I mean fighting.
It starts off innocent (and by that I mean passive
aggressive). You close it; I’m going to open it. You close it; I’m going to
open it. I can play this game all day. But it escalates and the person will ask
you to close it and complain to everyone on the bus about the rude forenji. But
I care roughly 0%. So I tell the person “Ayzo” or “be strong”. This works for a
bit. But then they slam the window shut. The trick becomes to open it up and
put your arm outside the vehicle. In most cases, people will not slam it on
your arm. Sometimes though, people will. It is important to stand your ground. You
can ask “Is this how you treat guests?” or “Is this Ethiopian culture?” At
times, that will turn the bus against your foe. But in the end, be prepared to
lose an arm for fresh air. Two happy lungs are more important than two happy
arms.
Neighbor Choice
Who are you going to sit next to? This is a high stakes
question. You have to be able to pick out the puker. In sensitive Peace Corps
tradition, there are many people who will place bets on who is going to vomit.
But whether you guess right or not, as long as it is not the person next to
you, you are a winner.
I try to sit next to old women. They are just the greatest.
Usually their English is not the best so you only have about 5 minutes of
attempting to communicate before they tire of you. Everyone on the bus respects
them so you get left alone. And they usually have snacks. Not even kidding
about that last bit. God bless ’em!
Mothers with their children will result in less harassment,
but a higher probability of vomit. Pick your poison I suppose. Even if you
guess right every time, I don’t think there is a single PCV who has not had a
little vomit on their bag at some point.
For males, I have heard sitting next to a very pretty girl
is the best seat- aside from the obvious reason. Coyness is an attractive
feature to men here so an attractive woman (or maybe more importantly, a woman
who thinks she is attractive) wont start a conversation. So it never happens.
You sit in silence with a little eye candy.
I just try to avoid men between the ages of 15-40. Again,
there are some wonderful exceptions here, but for the most part, it is going to
be annoying. They are going to want to practice English, suddenly have to sit
closer to you, and chat you up the whole. Despite your headphones and
uninterested demeanor, oh how they will still chat you up!
My Two Most Ridiculous Travel Stories:
In terms of travel, I have it extremely easy. I only have to
travel on paved roads and I live about 4 hours from the capital of Addis. Some
people have three full days of travel to get to Addis. The stories those people
have will always be better than mine, but I’m okay with not enduring what they
have.
17 Hours of Fun
About six months ago, I was given the opportunity to visit
the beautiful town of Bahir Dar for a Peace Corps training. Unfortunately,
there was not enough money in the training budget to fly people so I agree to
endure an 8-9 hour bus ride. Normally, an 8-9 hour bus ride does not warrant
flying, but between myself and Bahir Dar was a gorge that has a long, sickening
history of vehicular fatalities. But not only was I excited about the training,
it was a chance to go to one of the nicest towns in Ethiopia (with someone else
pay for it). It became clear very early in the day that the 8-9 hour trek was
going to be much more than we anticipated. During the day, I kept telling
myself, “I needed at least one crazy travel story from my time in Africa. Here
it is.”
To combat the dangers of the road, Peace Corps bought
myself, six other PCVs, and our Ethiopian counterparts tickets on a Selam bus.
This luxury bus line is as close to travelling on a Grey Hound Bus as possible.
Everyone has an assigned seat, the drivers are not allowed to chew chat (a
local drug commonly described as a mellower version of cocaine), and they
driver much slower and safer.
We left our hotel at 4:30am to get to the bus station with
plenty of time to spare. After waiting in the rain, we finally boarded the bus
and set off around 6:00am. Things were going well. I had never been on one of
the fancy buses before and I was enjoying the atmosphere. Around 7:15, the bus
pulled over. Apparently, there was some sort of problem. But no one was at their
main office yet to be able to help us or send out support. Believing that at
8:00am things would start moving, we all went to breakfast and enjoy a little
break. At 10:00am, things were less fun. There was no sign of help and the bus
crew could not fix the problem on their own. The description we received was
the back tire’s airbag was not working. I think they were referring to the shocks,
maybe, but I still have no idea. One thing was certain, we could not go
anywhere without the tire airbag working!
The bus company finally sent out replacement buses and they
arrived after a bit. Upon seeing the replacement buses, we all knew we were in
for trouble. The buses themselves were fine. Nowhere near as nice at the Selam
bus, but we each had our own seat and could stretch out to be comfortable. The problem was the bus crew. Each bus had a
driver and two assistants- all of who were chewing large amounts of chat. As we
pulled away from our accidental pit stop, the reckless driving started. The
driver was going far too fast and it was clear he was unfamiliar with the road.
During that point, it was not too concerning. But in a matter of hours, we were
going to be driving on one of the most dangerous sections of road in a country
that has the most car related deaths per capita in the world.
When we finally got to the gorge, all of the PCVs got
serious. We were all extremely uncomfortable and felt like we were in danger.
To the driver’s credit, he did slow down and we made it through without any
problems. The scenery was amazing. I have never been to the Grand Canyon, but I
have to assume it is just as awe-inspiring as that. The colors, layers, and
vastness of it all would have made the drive enjoyable if I was not waiting for
my impending death the whole time. Driving on that road, I definitely
understand why it is so dangerous. It would be like driving into the Grand
Canyon and then back out if the engineers decided to use as little road as
possible. The result is these sharp turns that come out of nowhere. There are
no guardrails so if a driver misjudges his speed, there is a good chance no one
will survive.
We all breathed a little easier once we were out of the
gorge. Unfortunately, it seemed as though the driver was making up for the time
he lost by slowing down. We were speeding through countryside at terrifying
rates. After a few hours of this, the bus was pulled over by a police officer
and given a speeding ticket. I cannot remember exactly, but the driver was
going something like 70mph in a 45mph zone. Instead of learning from his
mistake, it appeared the driver wanted to “stick it to the man” by driving faster.
Remember that the bus crew was doped up- I’m sure this made sense to them.
After another hour or so, we hit a bump in the road and heard
a loud pop and then hissing. The driver swerved a bit but managed to pull over.
It felt like a tire blew out; I was just hoping the tire airbag was okay. We
were all surprised to find that no one went out to assess the damage. In fact,
the two assistants went to the front of the bus to confer with the driver. What
appeared to be a blown out tire was actually a destroy windshield. The force of
the bus hitting the bump at such a high rate of speed caused the windshield to
shatter and dislodge from its secure position. At this point, we all started
laughing. This had to be the most ridiculous ride ever. We began to wonder how
we would get a new bus at that point. But instead, the driver and assistants
decided to keep going. But as I said, the windshield was completely dislodged.
So for the next 3 hours, the assistants took turns standing over the driver and
holding the windshield in place.
We arrive to the town of Fanote Selam at about 6:00pm, had
to transfer to a different bus (one with an intact windshield), and then finished the last three hours of our
journey. We all piled into a minibus. There were probably 24 people crammed
into one car. But there was nothing in the world that was going to stop us from
getting to Bahir Dar before the day was over.
We arrived at our hotel around 9:00pm, pleaded with the
kitchen staff to feed us, maybe showered, passed out, and we were all up and
ready to go for the training at 7:00am the next day. Cause that’s how we do in
Peace Corps.
Justin Bieber is Going to Get Someone Killed
Two weekends ago, I took a trip to nearby Nazret for the
day. While it is only an hour and fifteen minutes away, in Ethiopia, that is
enough time for anything to happen. After a huge lunch, I nestled in with two
other volunteers (I believe it was seats D1-3) and fell asleep. I should
mention I am notorious for falling asleep in buses. People have literally
watched in disbelief as my head bangs against a window due to bumpy roads and I
remain asleep. Ethiopians have made fun of me for sleeping three and a half
hours of a four-hour ride. I don’t know how I don’t get things stolen from me-
I must look sweet and innocent when I sleep or something.
But on this day, I woke up to the bus swerving and Justin Bieber
singing “Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh” on the radio. I thought the driver was try to
avoid an accident and braced for impact. When it didn’t come, I assumed we must
have hit an animal or something. But we did not slow. I look up to see the man
sitting in B3 leaning over the driver and grabbing at the steering wheel.
Apparently, this man is trying to kill us all. “Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh” The door
guy (DG) grabs the man and tries to subdue him. It does not work and the two
men being fighting. I don’t mean passive aggressive window fighting; I mean a
full on fistfight in our bus. And for some reason, the driver keeps going. DG
gets a few good shots in and bloodies (likely breaking) crazy guy’s (CG) nose
as we are travelling 80kph down the road. “Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh” Myself and the
other two PCVs are yelling the Amharic equivalent of “STOP”, but to no avail.
Finally, hero guy (HG) in seat C3 gets involved. He grabs CG
with a police type hold so he is no longer a threat. DG also stops beating him at
this point. The bus slows and it looks as if they are going to throw him out (I
know this guy almost killed us, but I was just desperately hoping they slowed
the bus to a reasonable speed- I don’t want to watch CG die). “Baby, Baby,
Baby, Oh” They open the door and then… shut it- with CG still in the car. We go
about 200 meters further, slow down, open the door, and finally get the maniac
out of the car.
It turns out CG wanted to stop, but the driver refused. The
logical thing to do was obviously grab the wheel and kill everyone. They subdued him and were going to kick him
out when he said he dropped his phone during the scuffle. In the most
understanding move I have ever witnessed, they closed the door, apparently
found the phone, and 200 meters later, let him off. “Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh”
Before getting the actual version of the story, the three of
use surmised that the driver was going to change the radio station. CG is not
actually crazy- just a Belieber. He made the decision that a world
where someone does not want to listen to The Biebs is not a world worth living
in. The only thing to do was to take the bus into his own hands, do everyone a
favor, and kill us all. I’m going to go Life
of Pi on this and let you decide which story you want to believe.
So I guess all that is left to say is, mom and dad, are you
sure you want to rent a private car while you're here and miss out on the
glory that is Ethiopian public transportation?
